...Be Me!

Ladies and gentlemen, you have read my blog for a while now and I assume you will be curious about how to act like me. Here you have it, in easy to follow form, the complete guide to being Charlene E Harwood. People can travel for years to find out this kind of wisdom but I offer it to you for a small price.

Your thought.

I don’t particularly want to capture your thoughts and sell them on the black-market but I just want you to think for yourselves. It’s all I ask for anyone who reads my stuff because it’s my duty as a writer, as a comic and as a human to want you to be affected into thinking.

The romantic slush is officially over. You want to learn how I work? Grab your seatbelts, children, it will be one hell of a ride.

1. Never admit to anything.

Basic enough. Never add your name to anything that can be traced back to you. If you can’t think of a decent enough lie to get out of a tricky situation then don’t get yourself into it in the first place. Any documents containing important/humiliating information must be destroyed after or else it will jump up and bite you in the arse.

2. Always have a sarcastic put-down ready for any situation.

Anyone who knows me personally will know how true this is. If you want to survive then you better know how to put those down around you in a way that will not make them try and kill you. The method of coming up with a good put-down: Think of a person, think of an animal and think of an adjective.

3. Sleep is a poor substitute for coffee

I live off coffee. It makes me nervous, jittery and ready for anything. I drink at least two cups off strong coffee a day and the maximum has been 8 so far. How anyone can function without the liquid is beyond my intelligence. So, drink lots of coffee.

4. Use formal language whenever possible.

It is just polite. I don’t want to have to decipher pages upon pages of jumbled letters and other junk. I’d rather not have people trying to do it for mine. You may sound like an arse but if you do it right you can make up words and people just look at you as if it’s their fault they don’t get what the word “Olexitated” means. It’s priceless.

5. The more disturbing the image, the better

Again, anyone who knows me will know how I follow this religiously. If you put the worst image possible into their heads then you are free to do what you like. Pick two people and put them together in the most compromising situation possible. Imagine this situation. Tell other people about this situation. While their faces are pulled in disgust with this image you are free to steal from them/blackmail them/bribe them/hurt them/trick them. Simple, yet effective.

6. When I am good, I am very, very good. When I am bad...

Be extreme. Don’t just think something is “okay”, determine whether or not you hate it or love it. If you love it, love it with every fibre of your being. If you hate it, loathe it. The same applies to people.

7. Franz Ferdinand Rock.

If you badmouth my favourite group, I will be forced to hit you with a dilapidated aardvark (see 2). They write their own music, play their own instruments, sing their own songs and, above all, they rock. Dislike them? Don’t tell me because I will grow to hate you (see above). On a side note: Nick’s arse.

8. Revenge is a dish best served with arsenic.

Hurt me? I will hurt you back, a hundred times worse. I have the acidic personality, I have the intelligence and I have the viciousness. I have no morals or scrumples. I can hold a grudge like nobody’s business and I will be plotting your downfall. Best advice? Apologise.

9. Be yourself...

Oh, what’s that? I’m a reject, loser and an outcast? Oh dear, excuse me while I go and die because your opinion matters so much to my day-to-day existence. Just be yourself, sounds clichéd but it’s true. If you are going to waste your time being someone else then you can just go and shove your opinion up your arse. I just can’t stand people who think  a certain way to “fit in”. It depresses me that so many people are just mindless zombie-sheep who follow each other around, licking each other’s arses.

10. We are family.

Family is something that is above blood or marriage. Family are the people you can trust and depend on to support you, no matter what. Family are people you love with every fibre of your being without asking for anything back. My friends are my family because I would die for every last one of them (and probably die from some of them). You can hurt me all you want but if you hurt anyone I love... let’s not go there.

Other Rules:

1. Never give away the plot before the ending. It’s not a James Bond film.
2. Owls are your friend.
3. Friends are not, in most cases, owls.
4. Germans rock
5. As soon as something good happens, something bad will happen to counteract this.
6. Not all Irish people celebrate St. Patrick’s Day
7. Stereotypes are just stereotypes
8. Listen to music based on how it makes you feel. Not how nice the people are.
9. Nick McCarthy has a spectacular arse.
10. If you are opinionated, sexy, smart, talented, male and have a nice arse, I will probably be drooling over you. If you are said male, please contact me for immediate spanking, you sexy, sexy, creature.
11. History is your friend, not your enemy.
12. Don’t care about anyone? No-one will care about you
13. Bright colours are the devils work
14. If I am smiling, I am plotting something evil.
15. If I am not smiling, I am plotting something evil.
16. Pride before fall, death before dishonour
17. Declare peace. It confuses the hell out of people (see 14)
18. Harry Potter is not for children, no matter what people say. Restricted-section, anyone?
19. Never get elected as Prime Minister. Instead, rule the country.
20. “Fools are friends, not food”

I am a strange person. Follow these rules if you want to live a bitter, unloved existence. The more cats/insanity you accumulate, the better.

She-Who-May-Have-Destroyed-The-World-Oopps,

Argento